I stared at her wrinkled hands, some instinct told me to hold it as i sat beside her bed. She looked tinier that i ever remembered her to be. Fingers were too fragile, that it frightened me to hold it tight. Her swollen eyes looked sad but yet she smiled. I desperately stumbled for words, to speak to someone who taught me my first words. She has been my whole childhood. The little girl in me just wanted to put her arms around her to make her laugh as our good old days. But i no longer was that innocent girl. Raised in an Indian society, where any expression of love by adults is still considered awkward, i managed with the usual queries about her health, for which she answered with a nod. Did she sense my inner feeling, or was it her own, i'm not sure, but she asked "Why don't you hug and kiss me as before?". I couldn't recall when was the last time i did it. My mind, soul, and heart screamed "Do it!!!" but body sat numb. It wasn't easy to break out from the society-induced ( or was it self-induced ) habits. Her nurse said she was suffering from Alzheimer so i guessed she was still at that golden-era of us. Maybe she didn't know that her little girl was 21, didn't know that she had grown into false adulthood-manners. Maybe it didn't matter because she would just forget this, the moment i walk out. As i said my "Goodbye", didn't realize i wouldn't forget this day as long as i live, nor did i realize i would never see her again.
After all these years, when I'm not able to express my love or empathy towards someone, i become that girl-beside-the-bed. It still hurts and forever will .. that "hug not granted". Just as her life, her death too left me a lesson. Life is too short for falsy. If you love someone say it to their face! Need a hug, just ask! Hold that hand a little longer! Miss someone, just let them know! When you are sorry, apologize! Don't wait for the other day, which might never come. If the society thinks you are mad or over-acting, let them think.
Love is to be expressed! That is what my grandmother's death taught me.
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